Thursday, May 20, 2010

illuminated

Her eyes were glazed over even though her heart was illuminated.  When she opened her mouth she could hear the words falling on the floor, hitting the ground with a dull thud.  The candles surrounding her made tiny pinholes of light in the darkness.  Like the stars! exclaimed her little brother, and she smiled half-heartedly. 

I'm sorry I'm so broken, she would apologize feverishly to her therepist.  His eyes would glaze over as he replied in a facade of comfort, That's why I'm here.  I just don't know, I don't know what I'm supposed to be saying, saying here to get better, you know?  She would ask, feeling the sweat in her palms. 
There's nothing you're supposed to say, he would repeat each time,
just tell me everything.

But she could never tell him everything. Because she always felt drained, beaten, torn when she left that sterile place.  As though she had lost a part of herself.  Walking into the sunshine was physically painful, she was dizzy at all the stoplights on the way home.  The more of herself she gave away, the less she had to call her own.

And it wasn't fair at all, she thought to herself one day after their session.  He wasn't even excited that I made guacamole for my neighbors, and he didn't care about Timmy's 7th birthday.  He said he wanted to hear everything, and he's taking everything from me, but it means nothing in his hands. 
If it meant nothing to me, I wouldn't need to see him at all.
It's the meaning that hurts, that shivers, that is cold and hot and pulsing with thought. It's the meaning that devours, that leaps and stretches and worms it's way into conversations with strangers. She couldn't help herself, she had to talk about it.  The sessions took away the shards of broken glass she felt had been lodged in her skull, but she still carried their ghosts, imaginary friends that haunted and taunted, lounged around her in long white gowns. He could never see them, he could never take them away.
After everything else was gone, they were all she had.

6 comments:

Lillian Chang said...

Ohmy...this is such beautiful writing.
Just stumbled on your blog and am completely blown away by the way you string words together!! (And always paired wonderfully with some gorgeous photos).
Enjoying myself very much here :)

suzannah said...

Your writing is so stunning dear, so haunting but magic <3 Also, the photos are stunning too, very inspiring <3 xxx

rebecca said...

I love the combination of the writing and photos - you write beautifully :)

http://itscohen.blogspot.com/

Sarah In Wonderland said...

oh dearest, thank you so much for your comment. it means ever so much, it nearly made me cry. i don't even think we've met before, but thank you, thank you. <3

and my, this so scarily sums up everything i feel each time i go to a therapy session. this really is the epitome of it all. you are such a beautiful writer. :) i really do identify with everything you were saying here, (whether it's fictional or not?)

lots of love,

sarah
xxx

Eleanor said...

Oh wow... i love you're site so much. thank you for the comment :) come back again soon! improrastinate.blogspot.com
xx

alice in newyork said...

Idk y but i'm in love with the 4th pic!nice blog!