paris 1959

When I feel lost I look to "Howl" that I have pasted on my wall.

I twist myself into the words, get dizzy from all the thoughts that are flying by my face.  I open up my Kerouac and thumb through the pages, catching snatches of phrases here and there. 

Everything so free, so free.

When I'm done I feel more lost than when I'd begun.

But so much more free, so much more free.

And I remember that is all that matters.

you asked me about praying mantises

I can't get this poem out of my head.

Maybe because it's so simple but so true. Maybe it's because I'm scared to death I can't be with you in this life, but I haven't given up hope on the next. Maybe it's because I read this right after we talked about praying mantises.  Maybe it's because now that I know the answer I don't think you care.

Maybe it's because that's how poetry should be.

The words should stalk your days, the ideas coiling around your dreams.

An Entomologist's Last Love Letter, Jared Singer

dear samantha
i’m sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it’s not you
it sure as hell isn’t me
it’s just human beings don’t love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species

i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that… is dedication.

after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away
this is not true
after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness
i could never do that for you

so i have a new plan
i’m gonna leave you now
i’m gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.

Du Mubt Dein Leben Andern

The Archaic Torso of Apollo
Rainer Maria Rilke
(Translated by Stephan Mitchell)

We cannot know his legendary headwith eyes like ripening fruit. And yet his torsois still suffused with brilliance from inside,like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low,
gleams in all its power. Otherwisethe curved breast could not dazzle you so, nor could a smile run through the placid hips and thighsto that dark center where procreation flared.
Otherwise this stone would seem defacedbeneath the translucent cascade of the shouldersand would not glisten like a wild beast's fur:
would not, from all the borders of itself,burst like a star: for here there is no placethat does not see you. You must change your life.

Thank you all my lovely readers for dealing with my lack of posting recently! I got back from Holland a week ago, and things have been absolutely crazy since then. I haven't even uploaded pictures yet-but I'll be sure to post them here once I do (:

I've been really drawn to this poem recently, and the last line, originally "Du Mubt Dein Leben Andern" (German for "You must change your life") has just been ringing in my head.

What do you think?